It’s not been three months since the first few copies of a little pink book found their way into cardboard packaging, into postal vans, into different houses and different people’s hands. I let them out into the world with the knowledge of the fact that I’d outgrow the content – outgrow the desperate desire to quickly put something together that made the shit before it worth it, to make the fight to get past it all tangible. I’m not sure I anticipated that feeling coming around as quickly as it did. I haven’t dared glance through a copy. Can’t quite bring myself to want to edit everything with it, cut out most, fill the rest with new ideas and new pieces and new formats. But I’m working on accepting that that’s part of creation, that that’s a sign I’m doing things and working in the right direction – rather than floating through with a soothing idea of ‘one day’ getting around to something I’m relatively proud of. This blog has been stagnant, my willingness to try and create has been non-existent and the crippling insecurities have come back in full force. I’m trying to remember they’re likely always going to be present to some degree and that approval seeking is only worthwhile when it’s from myself.
“Burrowing and Burning is a little collection of poems. Or fragments. Or bleedings. Or something along those lines. Written without any immediate intention, scraps of days and feelings and moments that I eventually decided to combine in the hopes of creating something tangible from it all.”
When I made this blog I talked about my fear of creating things which would be dismissed as pretentious, about my fear of growing out of the things I’m currently thinking and feeling and saying. Those fears are something I’m particularly overwhelmed with right now, skimming through a copy of a collection of my own poetry. I’ve spent forever agonising over whether I want to share my work in a book, and particularly whether I should self-publish, always imagining some vague future version of myself who is self-assured and confident and able to do so in an unapologetic manner. I’m still sort of stuck in that stage of questioning and self doubt. But more importantly, there’s a part of me that isn’t. There’s a part of me that quite likes the idea of having created something out of the scraps of writing I’ve accumulated over time and there’s a part of me that isn’t self conscious about giving other people the opportunity to read it, too.
Burrowing and Burning will be available on Amazon in a week’s time.